Guten morgen, party people. I think I’m running out of salutations. But fear not, there’s good news to be had this morning! For those of you who don’t practice the wildly popular hobby of scouring the internet and roadside novelty shops for the most disgusting products ever created, I have done the work for you! Well, actually my mom did. En route from Breckenridge, Colorado last week she stopped at a small rural “store” that was apparently full of “charm.” And, familiar with my love of smoked pork products, she was kind enough to bring home this:
No, you’re not dreaming or delusional or crazy. At least not in regard to what you’re currently looking at. And no, it’s not regular bubble gum shaped like bacon strips. If only. They are, in fact, gumballs that taste vaguely like smokey bacon. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking about what a brilliant idea it is to make a bacon flavored gum and why on earth did it take us so long to come up with it? Well, you’re wrong. Despite the seemingly-brilliant concept, it’s a product that’s full of pure evil and now a little bit of that evil is in me and all my coworkers who reluctantly sampled a piece out of the can. So now you know. Still, if you’re brave enough to try one, then I dare you. Just make sure you have a chaser.
If you’ve seen any food-like substances that out-gross bacon gumballs, send me a picture. I might just give a substantial discount on a MacBook, MacBook Air or MacBook Pro repair to the grossest. Email your finds to firstname.lastname@example.org by the end of October. This’ll be fun.